Garbage. That is the first word that comes to my mind when I take a peek into my brain. I pressurize and try to understand what it is trying to say to me. Because I know, that my brain is shouting out for help, and it’s shouting out loud... then why can’t I hear it?
I hear rumbling sounds, like something is just about to start. Or an idea is surfacing, just there... almost there. But it never comes! I sometimes wonder if it would be possible to open the zipper, jerk my brain out and keep it aside for a moment. The bastard never rests. And it’s time for some rest. It’s tired, I can tell. All those mixed up thoughts and problems are driving it far away from sanity.
Clearly, no one has taken notice of it, as yet. Or no one has taken notice of my ramblings... they’re just as eloquent as those sounds of rumbling in my head. It’s giving me a hard time. It isn’t listening to what I’m saying, and it has blocked all of my requests. It’s angry because it is impossible to articulate its desires and wants for me.
So I sit here, with my eyes open and staring at the ceiling, comparing myself with everyone I know and trying to understand why I stand still, exactly where I was years ago. I do not resist change, change keeps things steady.
Change is an unusual thing that people dread, but I portray it as a lover that I will never satisfy. It doesn’t want to stand near me and hear me rant about how badly I need it. It’s as important to me, as sanity. Both of which are running away in opposite directions, and there is no way in which I can get them both back. No matter where I turn, one of the two will leave me and go away.
So, when I referred to my brain as garbage, it heaved a sigh of relief. I at least began to understand what my brain is going through. It is important for me to unfold the layers of my brain and detangle the curled up issues buried deep inside my mind. I need to find a stance for myself and keep it glued to me.
A firm solution to uncover my brain’s complicated memories and plans, gashes and wounds, is profitable for the soul that sits inside me and wonders if she will ever find out what’s going on in my brain, because me and my soul, both stand clueless.
